youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
