my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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