I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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