I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
