New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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