so explain again why im purple
no
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
