we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
