Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
