the condom got lost in my hair
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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