You're my little dorito
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
