for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
