I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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