Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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