I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
