I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
