Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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