After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
