Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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