party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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