well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
