So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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