Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
