Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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