Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
