Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
