I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
