Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
