I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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