id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
