Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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