Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
