watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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