remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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