Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
