I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
