um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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