i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
