why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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