Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
