just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize