Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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