??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
