I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
