I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
