God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
