Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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