I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
