how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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