I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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