Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
