well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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