he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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