you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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