It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
