John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
