Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
