you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
