please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
