Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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