MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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