i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
