Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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